Bakatsuki
by AkatsukiSerpent
Summary: Akatsuki members go to a restaurant and for the first time in a while they do actually have fun. What will happen to the S rank criminals when being kidnapped during a hangover? I wrote this fic about Akatsuki just for fun xD. English is not my native language so sorry for the grammar/spelling mistakes. I do not own Naruto.
1. Chapter 1

Pein knew, gathering every member of the Akatsuki together was a mistake. A big one. Things were not that bad until the next morning, where Hidan's severed head was found in a fridge and Deidara spilled Itachi's coffee.

It was a rare sight, but everyone was sitting in the kitchen, having breakfast (if Tobi's burnt pancakes could be called food). Pein asked them to be quiet and started to talk.

" Almost everyone has been asking if they can have a holiday even for a week. So, next month everyone will have the right to rest, but with one condition. All of you have to accompany our organization in a restaurant. I think, that doing something together (except sealing bijuus) will be good for our team dynamics."

None of them was brave enough (or had the nerves) to refuse to Leader.

As soon as they entered the restaurant, they were greeted by a tiny, middle aged man named Marcus.

" You must be Mr. Pein.

" Yes, that's me. I reserved a table for 10. "

The Akatsuki had to follow this tiny man. Their table appeared to be on the third floor. The table was at the end of the hall, right next to a large balcony. While they were walking toward it, people started looking at them with curiosity. At one end of the table sat Sasori, on his right side Deidara, next to him Hidan, then Kakuzu and Konan. On Sasori's left side were Tobi, then Kisame, Itachi and Zetsu. Pein was seated at the second end of the table. At first, they just started to observe the room. The hall consisted of tables and a small stage, where musicians played a soft melody, and a fireplace. All of them had noticed, that people started whispering and talking about them, but their table was a little bit far away from the others, so they could not understand anything.

Pein leaned over the table slowly, placing his palms on it.

" Act normal as much as possible. " He said, making pauses after every word. Akatsuki members just nodded.

" I won't order anything. " Kakuzu protested. " It's just a waste of money. "

" Oh come on you are probably starving right now. "

Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

" So, you are going to eat, right? "

" I will, but not you. "

" What?! Why? "

" Well, you see… you are immortal right? So, you don't need food. "

" Whoa whoa! Wait a second. " Hidan raised his brow. " Even if I'm immortal that does not mean, that I'm not hungry! "

" Well, then Sasori won't eat. "

" Why won't I eat?! "

" Because you don't need it. "

" Even if I don't need it I want to taste it! "

" And that's how you waste money! "

" But hey, when I'm eating something and I'm not hungry anymore I still continue to eat because food tastes good. Then I munch and cry at the same time. " Hidan said.

Kakuzu sighed.

" Okay, then Leader won't eat. "

" WHY WON'T I EAT? " Pein's voice was louder than the music.

30 dramatic seconds passed by without a sound. Finally Kakuzu murmured again.

" Did not know Gods needed food. "

" That's none of your business. "

Shortly after, Marcus came to take their orders. The list looked like this:

Pein: Steak with fried potatoes.

Kisame: Fish (with a strange name he could not pronounce).

Konan: Caesar salad.

Deidara: Pizza.

Kakuzu: Lasagna.

Hidan: Spaghetti (even though everyone thought he would order bloody steak or something connected to blood).

Itachi: Just Sushi.

Sasori: Beefsteak.

Marcus heard someone chirping.

" Oi! Mister! Mister! Do you have children's menu? "

" No. "

" Okay then…TOBI WANTS ICE-CREAM AND SAUSAGE! "

" Oh God…" Deidara buried his face into his palms.

Zetsu had a hard time of thinking. What should he order? He does not eats human food. He eats humans themselves. Pein noticed that.

" Ehm. Zetsu, you could try how our food tastes. "

" **Guess I have no other choice.** How interesting! "

Marcus found their words and way of speaking a bit strange.

" So, what will you order, sir? "

 _Silence._

" Look at the menu. " Pein whispered to him.

" Oh, right. **Hmm… I will eat this soup.** Tomato soup! "

After that Pein ordered drinks for everyone and an orange juice for Deidara, which he immediately protested. Finally, the youngest member got what he wanted. He could drink alcohol, only if he did not pass out, vomit, explode the restaurant, explode himself and Tobi.

" And we wait. " Patience was not the word that could be found in Sasori's dictionary.

" Let's play something fun! " Tobi said. " For example change every vocal with 'U' in our names! "

" Stop talking shit, un! "

" But Duuduru Senpai! "

Pein suggested, that telling stories would kill time. After hearing from Kisame, how a kid was swimming with a donut in the sea and how he, this gigantic sword-wielding shark-man was afraid of jellyfishes, the Leader knew, he made a mistake.

" How is that even possible? " Hidan was wheezing.

" It's okay Kisame-san. Tobi's here. Tobi will hug you. " He put his arms around him and put his head on his shoulder. " You are my favourite walking and talking shark ever."

" I'm the only walking and talking shark. "

Marcus came again.

" I'm very sorry to say this, but the meals are going to be a bit late. We have a lot of customers today. So, we have this one rule…If our guests have to wait, we offer them to play a game, not to get bored. Do you want it? "

" Let's say yes. What are the rules? " Pein asked.

" One must put a hand on second's eyes and randomly point a finger at someone. The one who can't see must say 'stop' or 'next'. For example, if you sir, point at the redhead and this lady says 'next', then you point at another one, but if she says 'stop', you stop and take the hand off and tell her who she chose. "

" And? "

" When she says 'stop' and for example, stops on the blonde one, she has to roll this dice. " Marcus took a colorful dice out of his pocket. " If the dice stops on red, it means, that she has to kiss him. To say it in a simpler way.

Red: Kiss.

Blue: One wish.

Yellow: One question.

Black: Slap in the face.

Green: Hug for 20 seconds.

White: Nothing.

Understood? "

" Yes. "

" Okay. I have to go now. "

" I don't think, that it is a good idea to play this game. "

" Itachi-san, sharp as always. " Kisame giggled.

" Let Tobi play! Tobi wants to kiss Senpai! "

" You can't kiss me with that pumpkin on your face, un! "

" I want to slap all of you so bad! " Hidan said.

" Okay then… I will start. Konan, cover my eyes with your hand, please. "

Konan did as Pein told her to and pointed her finger at Zetsu.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

Pein finally stopped on Hidan and rolled the dice. Unfortunately or fortunately for Hidan, since he likes pain, the dice had stopped on the black side.

" You are lucky I can't use Shinra Tensei here. So, I will come and slap you instead. "

" Do you think, that it won't get attention to us?! "

" Do not argue with the God. " Pein said and slapped the Jashinist so fast Hidan barely realized anything, his left cheek getting a dark pink color.

Hidan murmured some words about the Leader and continued to play. This time the chosen one was Deidara and the dice landed on the yellow side.

" One question? God, that's boring… Mmm, do you brush the teeth on your hands, too? "

"That's a private question! "

" Answer quickly. "

" Yes! "

Hidan covered his eyes and Deidara proceeded with the game. First, he pointed at Pein, then at Konan and then at Tobi, two times consecutively.

" Stop! "

" It's Tobi. "

" UGH! I must say it right away… "

" Senpai wants to confess in love with me? I love you, too Senpai! When are we going to have our wedding? "

" I wanted to say, that you are a great pain in the ass! "

" Pein in the ass? " Tobi tilted his head sideways. " But Leader-sama is not in my ass. "

Hidan and Kisame chuckled. Seriously, they were the ones laughing at everything. Sometimes Itachi even thought, that the reason Kisame always had this grin on his face was because his teeth were so big he could not shut his mouth properly.

" I said that you are a great PAIN IN THE ASS! "

" So…Senpai does not love Tobi?"

" No! "

At first, nothing happened. Complete silence. Then, Tobi started to cry. His voice was very low, but it became louder and louder. It sounded more like a seagull burning alive.

" But... but Tobi wanted to wear a white dress on his and Senpai's wedding. " Now, Tobi put his head on the table and continued to sniff. Sometimes he would even gasp for air, like kids do during crying.

" Stop it, hm! "

" Deidara roll the dice. " Kakuzu actually got interested in what would happen next.

Deidara's eyes became like a black hole, widened just like the cats do.

" No! NO! There's no way I am going to do that! "

" Oh yes... You are. "

" Kisame no danna, please! "

" You made Tobi cry, now you fix him. "

Deidara held his hand toward Tobi.

" He's not even crying for real! "

" That does not matter. The dice had stopped on the red side and that means you have to kiss him. "

Hearing it from Itachi's mouth, it felt even more disgusting for Deidara. Not that he hated the Uchiha that much. The thing was that he had not fully believed it, until somebody said it out loud. Then the bomber knew, he was not dreaming and this was not purgatory, either. Being in panic, he looked at Pein now.

"Leader, I'm against it! "

" So, in whose ass was I? "

 _Internal screaming._

" How can I kiss him if he has a mask on his face, hm! "

" Kiss him on the head. "

" Konan-san, no! Even you have betrayed me! "

" Come on. It's just a kiss on the head. Besides, what's wrong with Tobi? "

Konan's sarcasm was fatal and he gave up.

" Okay. I will do this. "

Deidara told Tobi to sit straight. Tobi's answer was just sniffing and mumbling.

" I don't understand. What did you say, un?! "

" Tobi is angry about Senpai! "

" Senpai came to kiss you. "

" You are not my Senpai anymore. " Now Tobi hugged his next victim's arm. " Kisame-san is my Senpai now! "

Itachi saw the shock on Kisame's face and for the first time, he felt that he was helpless in this situation.

" Okay I will forgive Senpai, if he kisses Tobi. "

Deidara started to slowly lower his head. There were times when everyone just minded their own business. Tobi gets exploded, nobody cares. Hidan gets cut into pieces by Kakuzu, nobody cares. Kisame reads fairytales to his clownfish, nobody cares.

" _I get to kiss this dumbass and suddenly I'm popular. Everyone is just looking at me and judging."_ Deidara thought.

It was not a kiss, more likely Deidara just slammed his face on Tobi's head.

" Tobi is happy now! "

" Your hair smells like strawberry and it's glittering. Disgusting. "

" Tobi's hair is great. " He said and rolled a hand over his head. " It's my turn now. "

There was no need to cover Tobi's sight. He just stuck a napkin in his mask's hole. This time the dice had stopped on the blue side and by the wish of Tobi, Itachi did a back flip. The Uchiha rolled it again and the dice landed on white side, meaning Sasori had to do nothing. The puppeteer closed his eyes.

" Deidara, start. " Sasori's partner pointed at Pein.

" Stop. "

" That was fast Danna. "

" You know, I don't like to wait. "

" It's leader. "

" _Should have waited. "_ Sasori thought and eventually rolled the dice.

" Sasori… I think you are the unluckiest person… At least today. " Kakuzu said after he saw the result.

The muscles on Pein's face twitched for a second.

" C-can I roll again? " Sasori seemed to be in shock.

" All did what they did not want to do! Now, it's your turn Danna. "

" Deidara you little shit! Don't you have mercy? "

" You did nothing when it was my turn, un! "

" I refuse to do this. " Pein said.

Sasori suddenly calmed down. Nobody would go against Leader's words. He was safe. No hugs for Leader-sama.

" Tobi thinks that it's not fair. "

" _Is he even stupider than I thought or the bravest one among us? "_ It was unbelievable for Deidara what Tobi did.

" Tobi I don't want to discuss this anymore. " Pein said with his eyes closed. Apparently, everyone has noticed, that whenever Tobi talked to Leader, Pein always felt uneasy.

" Is Leader-sama afraid of hugs? Or maybe he's afraid of Sasori? " Hidan added.

This time Pein had lost his control and jumped on his feet.

" I'm really tired of your shit, Hidan. Sasori come here and hug me. " This was the first time Leader used any bad word in front of them.

" But…"

" HUG ME! "

Sasori stood up and slowly reached Pein.

" Oh God… help me… "

" I can't help you. " Pein said and wrapped his hands around him.

Sasori seemed like a child in Leader's arms. He could see half of the table and Konan's puzzled gaze over Pein's shoulder. If Akasuna had been able to cry, the tears would have been enough to create a sea in the desert.

" Kisame close your mouth or some insect will fly in it. "

" Itachi-san… tell me this is your Genjutsu… "

Finally, Pein let go of Sasori at the same time as Marcus came back with meals.

" So, here are your orders. You enjoyed the game, right? "

" No. " Some of the members said in resonance.

" Well, I thought I heard your laughter… I think. "

" That was the sound of people suffering. " White Zetsu answered.

Marcus took the dice and left.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III

Everyone started to fill their glasses with alcohol and their stomachs with food. Zetsu was still in doubt. He always ate food made with humans, but should he eat food made by humans?

" **Let's eat this soup already.** Yeah, if others can eat it, I can too." Zetsu took a spoon and stuck it in his mouth. "Hm… It's not bad at all." He said after a minute. " **I feel strange.** Strange? Well, I don—oh maybe a little bit. **Not a little bit.** I...I am going to…" Zetsu did not even have a time to stand up. He tucked his head under the table, pressed his hands on his stomach and started to shake.

"Zetsu what's wrong?" Pen started to worry and not only him. Obito has known Zetsu for a very long time and he has never witnessed something like this.

He tried to stand up, but instead just vomited on Itachi's shoes. The Uchiha sprung immediately, but it was too late. His feet were already soaked in grey liquid and tomato soup. Someone from the nearby table had called Marcus for help and he appeared in seconds, with other colleagues.

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah… He was just too tired today. He will rest for a bit." Konan tried to handle the situation.

"Did our food do that?"

"No, no. He's just not in a good shape today."

"I don't like the colour on his face… Do you really think, that he will be fine?"

"This is his normal face colour." Konan could not blame the man for being confused. It was not that you could see a man with half white face and half black face, plus with green hair and weird teeth (glad Zetsu got rid of his venus flytrap just for this day) every day.

Obito escorted Zetsu toward the balcony.

"Itachi-san, let's go to the bathroom." After what had happened, Itachi had not said a word. He simply followed Kisame and tried to wash the grey liquid off his shoes.

"Just what is this Zetsu anyway…" Kiri nin mumbled to himself. When they finished cleaning, Itachi sniffed at his shoes.

"Kisame, they smell like rotten garbage."

"Then let's try again." Blue skinned man grinned. "By the way…how was the food?"

"Excellent, but I think I lost my appetite…" The Uchiha shot a disgusted look at the sink, which had changed its colour to grey.

"Hmm… I think this restaurant has a low quality. I mean, back in Kirigakure I cooked even better. Ah, good times… sometimes I feel like the village is calling for me, but after what I had seen and done…"

"Do you want to return?"

"No, of course not."

"I heard, that new Mizukage is great."

"That does not matter anymore. It's too late."

After five minutes of silence, Kisame said.

"Itachi-san, I have to go for a second. It's calling me."

Itachi looked at him with a puzzled look, eyes widened.

"The village?"

"No. The nature…baka." Kisame whispered last word to himself and excused himself to go to pee.

Zetsu returned to his seat.

"Kill me if I eat something ever again."

"Where are they?" Pein asked, when he could not find Kisame and Itachi.

"They went to the bathroom." Sasori answered.

"Ah, right… his shoes…" Pein glanced at Zetsu.

"What? He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time." The leader let out a sigh.

"Let's continue… and they will join us soon."

Deidara was paying attention to Tobi. "If he wants to eat, then he will have to take the mask off…" He thought to himself.

Tobi stood up.

"Will be here in a second." He walked away and came back, but something was wrong. The mask on his face had two holes, one near the eye and second in front of his mouth.

"Now Tobi can eat!"

"What is that, un?!" Deidara was going crazy.

"It's Tobi's second mask, Senpai! Tobi invented it! Senpai look!" Tobi stuck his tongue out of the hole. "Hungry!" He took a sausage, but he did not eat it with an ice-cream as he had said earlier (He could not risk his life that much), and put it in the hole.

"It's so great! Does Senpai want to try it, too?" The masked man started to shake the sausage in front of Deidara's face.

"Stop it!"

Kakuzu chuckled, getting a grumpy look from Deidara.

"What are you laughing at, Kakuzu? Are you remembering the romantic morning you shared with Hidan?" Sasori asked with a smug look on his face.

Konan choked on her drink.

The morning incident flashed before the Fall's nin's eyes. Hidan had come out of the bathroom and had only a towel wrapped around his waist. Afterwards, he tripped on his shoes and there he was, lying naked over Kakuzu. Tobi, entering their room with a cheerful yell at the wrong time, witnessed all of this and was dumbfounded enough to almost blow his cover up. He switched from Obito to Tobi again, when a stitched hand came flying across the room.

"I heard, that Hidan was naked and Kakuzu was under him or hmm… Yeah something like that…"

"What a lame joke, Sasori." The masked man tried his best to remain calm.

"I exchanged the information on five jars of cookies…" Tobi chirped.

"You son of a—" Hidan stopped his partner right in time.

"Calm down. Do as I. Do not care about what they say. By the way, you two are gayer than us."

Now Deidara was holding Sasori.

"Cut it out!" Pein demanded. "Let us eat in peace…And do you know who are the gayest?"

The group fell silent, paying utmost attention to the leader.

"We are baaack!" Kisame shouted.

The table started to snicker, confusing the Uchiha and his partner.

"Did we miss something?"

As everyone sat around the table, Pein took a glass of wine and started to give a speech. Obviously, none of the members, even Konan, were not listening. He talked about unity, teamwork and other stuff, which slightly drunk criminals found very boring.

"I can't believe this shit is coming out of his mouth." Sasori cut Pein's sentence.

"Well, then okay. You have the right to speak. Tell us something interesting about yourself."

"Oh I will, I will! So, 5 months earlier before you guys found me, I was at the bar…" Hidan started to talk very emotionally, using his hands, even feet sometimes.

Obito could not decide which was worse, Hidan's story or the fact that he was eating and speaking at the same time. He swung his fork and his spaghetti flew right into Konan's drink. Nagato panicked and handled the situation, without Hidan ending up being demolished.

Suddenly, Deidara chuckled.

"What's so funny?" The Jashinist asked.

"I just imagined something."

"And what exactly?"

"I imagined that…What if after 100 years, you and Kakuzu are still alive, since you are immortals."

"Not if."

"Oh…okay. After 100 years, you and Kakuzu are somehow still partners…"

"God, no!" Kakuzu said a little bit too loud, getting puzzled glances from the nearby tables.

"…and all of us would be dead and I'm pretty sure, that Akatsuki will not exist at that time."

"What do you want to say with that?" Kisame felt interested, it was one of the rarest moments when Deidara talked like a sane person, not only about the explosions.

"Nothing. Just what if some day they will sit down and Kakuzu would say: Do you remember Akatsuki?

Hidan: Familiar name…

Kakuzu: I found my old notebook. It seems like I was collecting money for some Akatsuki…

Hidan: Maybe she was your wife?

Kakuzu: If she was my wife…why would her name be familiar to you?

Hidan: Who knows…maybe I fucked her!

"Whoa okay! Hold it right there, Deidara!" Pein interrupted.

"I'm sorry. I was just getting into the character."

"It was a pretty interesting story."

"Maybe because it perfectly sums up the future?" Itachi answered to his partner.

"What was the purpose of this story anyway." Sasori asked.

"With this I wanted to say, that we are doing everything for vain. In years nobody will even remember the Akatsuki and it's not only about the organization.

"So, you want to say that we live for nothing?" Itachi asked the blonde with a face as blank as ever.

"Exactly."

"Then why are we born?"

"To disappear in the moment of being born! To leave a scar on earth! Becau—"

"Because art is an explosion!" Everyone shouted it before Deidara.

"That's…rude."

"Kid, you talked so much, so in the end you could say what you are always saying?" Kakuzu could not take any more second of this. He was thinking of faking up an illness or saying that he was sick to return to base, but then it hit him, he was immortal.

"You need to go to a therapist." Sasori suggested.

"I have already been there, when I was 10."

Konan did not understand why did she ask the questions about his therapy, because in the end, everything turned out to be just like they had thought.

"Boom." Mouthed Deidara, when he was telling about his last day with the therapist.


End file.
